Refuse Three Times
When you are offered tea, you are supposed to refuse at least three times before accepting. I learned about this custom the hard way. I am a third generation Japanese American and have lived in Los Angeles most of my life. When this Japanese woman and her husband stopped by, I offered them tea and the woman said, “No, we have to run other errands.” They did not seem to be in much of a hurry to leave so I offered tea again, as I was thirsty myself. She again said, “No, it’s okay.” They finally left but we each felt something was amiss. They didn’t get their tea and I later learned that you offer tea three times, they say no, and you pour them tea after the fourth invitation. How was I supposed to know that?!
I spoke with my friend in Kyoto who confirmed this etiquette. She said that if you are visiting a close friend, you would accept tea when asked, but if you don’t know the person well, you would refuse three times. In Japan, a homogenous society, mothers teach their children manners. Everyone is on the same page, so the couple was offended by my lack of hospitality.