Tag: etiquette

Refuse Refreshments Three Times

Refuse Three Times

When you are offered tea, you are supposed to refuse at least three times before accepting.  I learned about this custom the hard way.  I am a third generation Japanese American and have lived in Los Angeles most of my life.   When this Japanese woman and her husband stopped by, I offered them tea and the woman said, “No, we have to run other errands.”  They did not seem to be in much of a hurry to leave so I offered tea again, as I was thirsty myself.  She again said, “No, it’s okay.”  They finally left but we each felt something was amiss.  They didn’t get their tea and I later learned that you offer tea three times, they say no, and you pour them tea after the fourth invitation.  How was I supposed to know that?!

I spoke with my friend in Kyoto who confirmed this etiquette.  She said that if you are visiting a close friend, you would accept tea when asked, but if you don’t know the person well, you would refuse three times.  In Japan, a homogenous society, mothers teach their children manners.  Everyone is on the same page, so the couple was offended by my lack of hospitality.

Business Etiquette

Business Cards

Business cards (meishi めいし) are considered extensions of the person and are taken very seriously in Japan.  If you are given a business card after the introductions and bowing, accept it with both hands or if inconvenient, with your right hand using your thumb and forefinger.  Take time to read it as it will probably be a bilingual card.  You may want to ask a question such as the pronunciation of the name.  Place it on the table in front of you.  Do not write on the card.  When the meeting is over, do not put the card in your wallet and in your back pocket as this is interpreted as sitting on the person’s face!  Instead, put it in your wallet or better yet, a business card case, and in a pocket above the waist.  Your Japanese hosts will remember how you handle this ritual and will appreciate your understanding of a highly meaningful protocol.

Seating 

The Japanese have a specific seating hierarchy worked out from samurai times when they sat on floor cushions.  In a modern setting, the highest ranking person will be seated at the head of the table furthest away from the door. It is best to wait to  be seated by the host rather than go to an empty seat. The internet is a great resource and there are plenty of books written on the subject of Japanese business etiquette.

Saying No

About 30 years ago, when I knew little about Japanese culture, I must have read an article about Japanese business practices and emphasis on team effort rather than individual contributions.  The article said something about their reluctance to say no.  I think I mentioned it as a fact, “The Japanese never say no,” to a couple of lawyers who stood near my desk, and they laughed.  Since then I discovered that the Japanese are so eager to please, they really do try hard not to say no.  At a business meeting, a boss may say “I’ll think about it,” and that probably means no.

An acquaintance might suggest meeting for lunch next week but you say, “It’s a pity, but I have an appointment on that day.”  This could mean that you have an appointment, or you don’t want to meet him for lunch.